Molly Bloom's Soliloquy

...I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes

Long time, no blog...

I've been swamped lately...actually, I think I'm drowning.

It's so overwhelming; an overload of responsibility. I love what I do, but there's no way I will ever see past my 24th birthday living like this. What drug is America on that makes people so crazed to be a workaholic? It's become so much the way of life in this county that everyone is forced to conform if they ever want to live something even remotely close to a "normal" life. I really don't want to do an internship on top of a design job on top of school (/thesis). Each task individually is quite enjoyable, yes; but with all 3, I don't have time....for anything. There is so much on my plate, I don't have time to relax. Even as I lay in bed, falling asleep, my thoughts keep racing about what I didn't get done today and what I need to add to tomorrow's to-do list. Falling asleep gets harder and harder as each day passes. I used to love responsibility, now it's a burden I can't rid myself of. I don't even know how to justify prioritizing work over friends, family, and social activity. And making room for social time on my to-do list just doesn't feel right.

Is that my choice? No. Is this what I want? No. Is this ever going to change? I sure hope so.

I thought life was about making a living and achieving happiness. This isn't happiness. I don't see happiness anywhere in my near future. Not even earning a salary is happiness to me. Why do I bother?

I'm debating quitting my job. With class 3 days a week and interning 2, I'm left with only the weekend to work on my thesis project and to get other things done. I barely get paid anything either, it's horrible. One week pays for one tank of gas. I think that's the only reason I'm staying.

Nudge's tests came back again...still positive. I just wish I could get a hold of her old vet. =/

Dear Diary,

It's been a week and I already feel like I'm behind with my thesis project. I don't get too many days off, either. With my schedule at school, it seemed so great. But add work, internship, family, and Shane on top of that and it's chaotic. I'm happy with it, but I wish I had time to relax...to sleep in, maybe. I'm tired...so tired. Night classes are the worst, especially when you have to wake up the next morning.

Nudge Kittens

I have a kitten who is appropriately named Nudge. She's a doll...except only to me. I found out a few weeks ago she had tapeworms and I was horrified. But I wasn't prepared for what I would hear at the veterinarian's office this evening. Curled up and shaken on the metal examining table, she looked up at me as the vet told me her tests came out positive for the feline version of HIV: FIV (also appropriately named). She's the healthiest looking cat I've ever seen. Beautiful coat, and at a hardy weight of 8.7 pounds, she eternally looks like a kitten. And in my eyes, she is. But maybe not for long? Unlike Feline Leukemia, which shortens the cat's life as it acts on the body rapidly, FIV is a slow acting, long term disease that wreaks its havoc over time. I cried...I cried more than I have at some family members' funerals.

She looks to me for everything, but now....I'm helpless.

And So It Goes

I love him madly, I don't know what I'd do without him. Times haven't been perfect, even though I used to think they were.

Life happens and, as the title of this blog suggests, beauty is found in the imperfect. Wabi-sabi is a Japanese term for which, ironically, there is no translation in the English language. I suppose that says something about western culture: that everything must be pristine and new in order to have any aesthetic value. But in Japanese culture, age gives something an admirable quality, where flaws shine like the stars. My life, every part of it, is far from perfect. But I am loving it. Now, in my last semester of college, ready to be thrown into this horrid economy, I am enjoying every second of every day. I am finding beauty in the things others look past, there's a fire burning in my heart. I am so blessed.

Let's get it started

I'm finding that keeping a journal each day makes my life a little less....stressful. Not only do I enjoy looking back and recounting my steps, but I feel a sense of relief. My hope is to lead a more fulfilling life and be more accepting of what each day brings.

We shall see, I suppose.