Compact Life

I feel like a new me, though still very frustrated and upset with the lifestyle my career is forcing me to have, I am doing my best to eat healthier, exercise more, and live a more fulfilling life. I have been eating fresh fruits, I made my own banana nut muffins to have for breakfast, I'm making sandwiches for lunch instead of prepackaged foods, and I'm keeping a food journal to keep track of it all. I've been going to zumba regularly, and as frequently as possible...aaaand I just bought a 4 DVD set of zumba exercises off ebay :).
I spent a shit ton of money at Target buying fitness stuff, and then more money on ebay getting yoga bricks.

I've been shopping on ebay because I'm trying to live a more "compact" life. I read an article about a group of ladies in california living, what they called, "compactly". They only bought used. With the exception of toiletries, food, essentials, and underwear, everything was purchased at vintage shops, salvage stores, flea markets, and the like. I can't find that article again, but that isn't stopping me from living this way myself. I only decided this Friday afternoon, so I don't have much to boast for. The DVDs were used...the yoga bricks weren't. I suppose that's considered unsanitary because ebay didn't even offer any used. But I'm really excited about this. I feel healthier and better about myself already!

The Wood Song

Everything's Changing

I've been so busy lately, I haven't had the time to worry about the past....still, it seems as though nothing can keep the pain from rising to the surface eventually.



I went to the Leon Krier lecture at Goucher College this evening... autographed book #2 added to my library. I wish I had been exposed to Leon and his work prior to graduation, I would have had much better support for my arguments defending my work to my teachers, and my thesis would have made a hell of a lot more sense to me. He's a character, he adds just the right touch of humor to his theories, making it interesting and understandable.

On another note, I've taken it as my responsibility to look after the baby chipmunk living outside my door. It's possible the dead chipmunk I found on my back porch the other night was a parent of this lil guy-though it was small enough to have been a sibling- so I've devoted a few minutes each day to collecting the best acorns I can find and leaving them near their home. Nudge brought the poor thing into the house yesterday, cradled in her jaws. Luckily, she hadn't hurt it, I assume she meant for the killing of it to be a gift for me. Well. at least this chipmunk was smarter than the one she brought me a year or so ago, also still alive....this guy found his way outside, whereas I had to catch the first one with oven mits.

The drawings above are from work at SHA. It's been very encouraging to hear Seth's compliments towards my ability to render trees and my keen eye for relationships between objects. Even if he wont be using this drawing (I can understand he needs multiple drawings finished quickly and I just can not meet those needs, as of yet) I'm proud of my work, and humbled by it. I also think it's a little silly that he might have expected me to be a graduate with a Bachelor of Fine Arts and not be able to draw. Not that I find myself particularly spectacular, only that...hey...I spent 4 years in an art school. Why wouldn't I be able to draw something at least halfway decently?

Count My Blessings

I should really work on that.

I am a very lucky person, no matter how often I blame things on my bad luck. Those little things are really nothing. In Gauntlet, a card game where you always have a 50-50 chance of guessing right, either red or black or higher or lower, I seem to always guess wrong. To the point where I run out of cards. When 7 red cards have been played in a row, the smart thing would be to guess black. But I'd be wrong. If that same scenario happens so often, I'd guess red, and I would still be wrong. It's my luck. I never win at those sorts of things.

But when it comes to my life...I'm pretty fortunate. I had a rough relationship for a while, one that caused me a lot of pain, but at least I have him now, and we're happy. I may not have been offered a job at any place close, or offered as much money as I would have hoped for, but at least I have a job.

I may not be able to afford new clothes, but at least I'm not naked.

O Hai, Welcome Back Familiar Feeling of Emptiness

Shane went off to hang out with his friends this evening. The only problem was that he had asked me to spend the night with him, and I had planned on doing so, except he never called back. I accepted that he had ditched me, but it brought back memories of nights when I would stay up, knowing where he was, letting it bother me all night long. Regardless of how upset his whereabouts made me, I would wait up for the call to let me know that he was on his way home, and just to hear him say he loved me.

I shouldn't have been so mad about it, but I haven't felt that same loneliness in forever. I think it scared me. It just doesn't seem fair to me, or to him, that for her, it was just some young relationship fling. But for me, this is my life, it's the person I've chosen to marry, and I have to accept that he has done all those things that hurt me....and try not to get mad at him for stupid things like spending time with friends, when he's not doing anything wrong now, just because I can't get the times he had done me wrong.

I love him dearly, I've been upset lately because we've had a few disagreements. When I try to apologize, though, he wont let me. He says that I should never have to apologize to him after what he had done to me. Saying that was the first time I've truly felt his sincerity in remorse for his past actions. It's not as though I want him to grovel...but I never really see him feel bad about it, which is really all I need to know that he isn't some heartless automaton.

Day to Day

I'm in a venting mood, as these last few blogs prove...

No one knows me. Not even Shane, who I've admitted more to than I have to anyone else. He barely knows what thoughts burden me. The closest....living thing....who knows all there is to know about me is Nudge, my cat.

(Gross, I'm a cat lady!)

Each day is a struggle. I'm happy, I can't argue that, but certain things are triggers for depression. The horrible scenarios on TV that some freaks decided would make good television remind me of where I was, which should actually make me happy, considering I'm no longer there. But they remind me of the pain. Certain faces, even unfamiliar ones, look like those that hurt me. I shutter just at hearing particular names. It's so hard. I don't know when it will get better, or if it ever will. At this point, I've just accepted that this will happen at least a dozen times each day, and that my dreams will still be haunted by her...by them. I don't know what I need to move on. Hypnotized, maybe. But then I wouldn't remember what struggles it took to get where I am, and I wouldn't learn from the mistakes we made.

It's a heavy load I carry.

My Mimi

Pop, my grandfather, is still very active and does so much to take care of the house and my grandmother, Mimi. But it's too much and it's taking it's toll on him.
They're moving to a condo, so yesterday, my aunts and uncles went to their house to claim furniture they wont be able to keep. It seems so viscous and heartless. I went along but spent most of my time next to Mimi, where she wanted me to look through some books.

While sitting there, she said to me, "I think it's time for this old girl to go." I hadn't a clue what to say. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want her to be unhappy. She's admitted before that she wished one of those trips to the ER would be her last, that she might die on the operating table.

I didn't know what to say. I love her so much, and I don't want her to be miserable like that, but she has so much to live for!

Family Vaca

Well I've just spent a fabulous week down in Ocean City with Shane and the rest of the Griffiths (including Pepe), and I had a blast. Let's review a play by play of all the fun!


Sunday: After waking up to 2 fun weimaraners, and walking them in the rain, I rushed over to the Griffith house to load the cars and head off. Took close to 4 hours with traffic, but we made it in time to sit out at the beach. That night we went for Mexican at La Hacienda, not the greatest but good fun. Back at the condo, we were settled for bed when in comes Shane's mom from a walk with Pepe with two of Shane's old playmates, Shamus and Richie. At least I wasn't completely disheveled :)


Monday: Dana arrived early in the morning, too tired to do anything, he stayed in while Shane's dad took him and me to Jolly Roger's for go-karts. We had a blast, I came in 3rd both races. The afternoon we spent on the beach and dinner was delightful at the Grove Market. It was a pleasent surprise, and reaffirmed the "don't judge a book by it's cover" saying. A shack from the outside, and a quirky ma and pa restaurant indoors, the food was spectacular. It was a great atmosphere and the people were as wonderful as could be. Just be sure to get your reservation in exactly 2 weeks in advance!


Tuesday: just a day at the beach, and a tour of The Gateway....new, and gorgeous, condos just a few streets south of the condo they stay in. Shane and I then had Indian food for the first time (a so-so meal) and a yummy dinner at Ruth's Chris in the stable where Man of War was kept, Mrs. Pattie wasn't too pleased but I might say it was the most fulfilling dinner I had while there.

Wednesday: We spent the afternoon at the boardwalk, we rode their only roller coaster twice, and took a walk through the Pirate fun house. At night we had dinner at Captain's Galley. That night, while Shane and I relaxed in front of the boob tube, we heard fireworks. Every night we'd seen people letting off their own whimpy fireworks, so we thought nothing of it. But they kept getting louder and more frequent. I peered between the blinds and saw that across the street, Secrets was putting on a fireworks show. I ran outside and upstairs to the 3rd floor balcony. Shane was lame and didn't even get out of bed.


Thursday: The only rainy day, we went to visit the Pirate's Plunder, the Pirate museum, but decided to just browse the gift shop. Played a round of laser tag then went shopping with his brother and Mom.


Friday: Shane and I spend the day at the Water park and discovered that the best way to recover from an argument is to ride the Stealth Half Pipe water ride. We had dinner at the Sunset Grille, where I discovered I had left my ID at home in Baldwin....nevermind our plan to go to secrets that night...and forget driving my own jet ski the next day.

Saturday: Our first attempt at renting jet skis failed when Shane's dad got pissed they wouldn't rent me a ski doo without a license. After he cooled down, we went to a place right across the street and so it came that I would spend the next hour holding on to Shane for dear life as he tried to throw me off. I will proudfully say, I was successful in NOT falling in the water. Shane, Dana and myself had dinner at Sakura's across the bridge, then stayed in and enjoyed a few sips (or more) of mango vodka and a walk on the beach as we wrapped up a week long adventure at the beach.

High School Sweethearts

If I had been hinting at the crush I had on him all spring of my senior year...

...If I told him I liked him on the day of my graduation, and asked him to be mine a few days later, does that make him my high school sweetheart?


I'm his, that's for sure. He's 2 years behind me in school, so he was just ending his sophomore year when we started dating. I had been introduced to him during the end of my senior year by my boyfriend at the time. They were old friends, recently reunited. As all 3 of us began to spend more and more time together, I started to like Shane more and more. And my boyfriend, being jealous, wanted to hang out with him less and less.

To set things straight, I never cheated on my boyfriend...well..

You see, I told him I liked him on my graduation day. I kept my crush a secret for months. Eventually I would turn to Shane for advice about what I should do, in hopes that he would catch on. But he was too humble to ask if he was the guy. Though he, too, had a crush on me, it wasn't his place to take his friend's girlfriend. So I had to do it on my own. I went to commencement, had family over, then called it a night with my soon-to-be ex so that I could go off to Shane's and confess my true feelings to him. The next morning, I would be leaving for Senior Week at Ocean City, and wouldn't be back home for a week. Not wanting to wait any longer for something we both had wanted for so long, he asked for a kiss and I obliged. A day later, I called his friend, "I like someone else." I was foolishly honest.


But things have worked themselves out, and 4 years later, we're living happily ever after.

Death by Electricity

Last night we were hit by quite a storm. The worst I've ever experienced for as far back as I can remember. For the better half of 20 minutes, rain flew horizontally at unnatural speeds, making it impossible to see 5 feet in front of your nose. It came so fast, ten minutes earlier Shane and I had been sitting on the back patio watching the clouds move by (or "boil" as his dad would say). At first, we sat in shock, questioning whether or not we should do something. Shane arose first, anxiously insisting that we get away from the window. The rain slammed against the side of the house, creating a nerve wracking ruckus. Unsure of what to do, Shane and myself wandered the house. As the storm calmed, and viability came back, the power began to flicker, neighbors alarms were sounding and the appliances went haywire...until it went out completely. Looking outside, it was apparent that the storm had done some damage. Most trees had either lost branches, snapped or fallen completely. Debris of the wounded trees lay everywhere, and a river now ran down the trench-like swale between my row of townhomes and those across the lawn, creating a mote between us. They were fortunate enough to keep their electric, ours wouldn't return until after the sun came up this morning. My power hasn't been out in ages. Ever since we moved from Dawson Drive, we've lived in homes with underground wiring. But this storm took out almost half of Baltimore County. I liked it. I actually miss power outages. You get to sit in the dark and enjoy the simple things in life. No TV, no internet...no technology. Which is why Shane left, bored with the lack of entertainment. I, however, enjoyed my candlelit evening of solitude.

I'm worried, though, because BGE recently clear cut along Cromwell Bridge Road, an entire hill, miles long, of mature trees. Simply because of the potential threat they posed on neighboring electric wires. It's criminal and devastating. I fear they'll try to chop down all the trees along the wires near my house. As if the storm didn't destroy enough of them.

Arriving at work this morning, it was clear Towson was left unscathed. The only victims I saw were two sad birds, dead beneath an electric wire.

Here's a link to an article about the storm:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/weather/bal-storm0727,0,5209499.story

In a Nutsell...

My name is Megan Elizabeth Schwartz, and yes, I am a MES(s). My boyfriend of 4 years, Shane Griffith, and I are planning to get married. If we do, I'll become Megan Elizabeth Griffith....MEG. I'm awesome. My lucky numbers are 5 and 13. I have a black cat. I collect corks. I make art. I love to read, but I seldom do, for I'm not very good at it. I'm awkwardly nervous about having to go to the bathroom during a movie or a long trip. I read the morning announcements for 2 years in highschool. I want a wolf. I wish I were old enough to have understood what the world lost when Freddie Mercury died. I'm a vegetarian. I am a member of PETA. I love cheese and ginger ale. I'm afraid I'll one day become lactose intolerant. I'm Irish, a Kelly and Murphy descendant. I'm a soprano. I used to sing for tips at the first Coldstone Ice Creamery to open in my area. I had to audition for the job. I hate coffee. My favorite superhero is Thor. Mosquitos love me. I wish I drove a hybrid. I want to go to the Bermuda Triangle. I can wiggle my ears. The best movie is Clue, then Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I have seen the International Superstar Clay Aiken perform live...because I saw Monty Python's Spamalot on Broadway, in which Mr. Aiken starred as Brave Sir Robin. My favorite color is blue. The perfect mix of aqua and cerulean blue.

I'm very spiritual. If I had to label myself, I'd say I were agnostic, though I was raised Roman Catholic. I respect Buddhists, admire my Jewish friends, wish I understood Kabbalists, am inspired by Mythology, share beliefs with Pagans, and could possibly be Satanist.

As I've mentioned before...

this is a personal blog.

I don't write it to inform distant friends and family of recent happenings in my life. (Only one person has actually been given the link to my blog, anyone else reading this has stumbled upon it from stalking, no doubt!) I don't blog to advertise, or publicize. Here, you wont find brilliant vocab or witty remarks. It's just word diarrhea, for lack of a better expression. I write for myself, to hold conversations with the inanimate internet, to talk about life as I see it. And though I've generally associated blogging with venting, I do try to refrain from making this a place to complain (however, I'll admit the uncertainty of my success thus far in such avoidance).

This blog is for me. No one else.

I don't care who reads it. Or who sees the posts. I'm not posting to hurt people. In fact, I've recently discovered my own name- referencing this here Megan Schwartz, not one of the million other Megan Schwartz's out there- on someone else's blog. Someone I have a strong dislike towards- an enemy, perhaps- so obviously there were no good words spoken. I'm not here to call names, or to talk badly about people. I know what slander and rumors will cause, and I wont be one to inflict such pain. I've been hurt before, and broken hearted. I know pain.

I recently read Tuesdays With Morrie, by Mitch Albom, and it was wonderful. On almost every page, there was a quote I could truly appreciate. And among those pages, I learned to accept pain, on top of the myriad of emotions the female species encounters.

"Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'" -pg 103-104

It really struck me, especially with how my life has played out these last few years. It's been difficult for me to move on, and get over the pain. I can detach myself from that emotion, and become invulnerable.

For my 21st birthday, I had finally accumulated enough cash to pay for my first tattoo. On my wrist I have illustrated a broken heart, sewn back together with a needle and thread. I drew it myself and, yes, it is very meaningful to me. My heart once broke, but I fixed it. No one else did, I did. It might have been a shoddy repair, but hey...I can at least go on in life knowing that no matter how hurt I may be, I can always make things better.

1st tattoo, Sep. 2008

Always with Love,
Megan

Nudge Kittens

I have a kitten who is appropriately named Nudge. She's a doll...except only to me. I found out a few weeks ago she had tapeworms and I was horrified. But I wasn't prepared for what I would hear at the veterinarian's office this evening. Curled up and shaken on the metal examining table, she looked up at me as the vet told me her tests came out positive for the feline version of HIV: FIV (also appropriately named). She's the healthiest looking cat I've ever seen. Beautiful coat, and at a hardy weight of 8.7 pounds, she eternally looks like a kitten. And in my eyes, she is. But maybe not for long? Unlike Feline Leukemia, which shortens the cat's life as it acts on the body rapidly, FIV is a slow acting, long term disease that wreaks its havoc over time. I cried...I cried more than I have at some family members' funerals.

She looks to me for everything, but now....I'm helpless.