I Start My New Job Tomorrow

http://www.urbanforestproject.org/

Oh, Btw I'm a Vegetarian

Sweets only on a weekly basis!? I don't think so! I've only been awake for 2 hours and I've already had 3 hershey kisses and a cookie!

I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm your average snack and go eater...I eat packaged goods that can be thrown into a lunch bag in under .6 seconds. It's convenient and delicious....but not healthy, especially for a vegetarian. I used to go to Whole Foods every week, back when it was Fresh Fields...but since college I haven't done that. I hope when I get money I can start going regularly and eat a little better. Ms. Danielle Scruggs, a friend of mine, is vegan and she's a beast (in complimentary terms, of course.) She's a college track allstar, and limits herself to eating the healthy stuff. If only I didn't love ice cream so damn much! That pyramid is crap.

Farewells

I've never been sad to leave a job. Usually it's with great relief. But working with the County has been so awesome, I only left because I needed one of those paying jobs. They had a breakfast for me, where they gave me a framed copy of the rendering I did for the Turner Station Charrette with all their signatures on it. It was so sweet! Amy, who's been the mama bird and took me under her wing, gave me two gifts from her little business, Sadie Priss. I also got a $40 gift card to Barnes and Noble...so working there wasn't really for free. No, the experience I gained and the time there was invaluable. It was well worth it!

Who Knew Yellow Nail Polish Was So Much Fun!?

Well I was cornered into attending a charrette in Lampeter, PA, just south of Lancaster, today. Drive an hour and a half to stay for 6 hours, drive home another hour and a half. On top of that, Mount Clare FINALLY got on the ball, though it seems a bit too late as they're now pressured to finish on time. My last week before I start a real job, and commit to working full time and I'm working for free, morning until night. And though both are supposed to compensate me, I've yet to see a penny from either (well, from Mount Clare since I last saw them, this project should be over by now!!!).

Anywho....this real world thing is crap.....at least I have cool "Lellow" nail polish!

Count My Blessings

I should really work on that.

I am a very lucky person, no matter how often I blame things on my bad luck. Those little things are really nothing. In Gauntlet, a card game where you always have a 50-50 chance of guessing right, either red or black or higher or lower, I seem to always guess wrong. To the point where I run out of cards. When 7 red cards have been played in a row, the smart thing would be to guess black. But I'd be wrong. If that same scenario happens so often, I'd guess red, and I would still be wrong. It's my luck. I never win at those sorts of things.

But when it comes to my life...I'm pretty fortunate. I had a rough relationship for a while, one that caused me a lot of pain, but at least I have him now, and we're happy. I may not have been offered a job at any place close, or offered as much money as I would have hoped for, but at least I have a job.

I may not be able to afford new clothes, but at least I'm not naked.

O Hai, Welcome Back Familiar Feeling of Emptiness

Shane went off to hang out with his friends this evening. The only problem was that he had asked me to spend the night with him, and I had planned on doing so, except he never called back. I accepted that he had ditched me, but it brought back memories of nights when I would stay up, knowing where he was, letting it bother me all night long. Regardless of how upset his whereabouts made me, I would wait up for the call to let me know that he was on his way home, and just to hear him say he loved me.

I shouldn't have been so mad about it, but I haven't felt that same loneliness in forever. I think it scared me. It just doesn't seem fair to me, or to him, that for her, it was just some young relationship fling. But for me, this is my life, it's the person I've chosen to marry, and I have to accept that he has done all those things that hurt me....and try not to get mad at him for stupid things like spending time with friends, when he's not doing anything wrong now, just because I can't get the times he had done me wrong.

I love him dearly, I've been upset lately because we've had a few disagreements. When I try to apologize, though, he wont let me. He says that I should never have to apologize to him after what he had done to me. Saying that was the first time I've truly felt his sincerity in remorse for his past actions. It's not as though I want him to grovel...but I never really see him feel bad about it, which is really all I need to know that he isn't some heartless automaton.

Can You Blame Me?

Can you blame me
for what I have become
from always standing in the rain,
searching for the sun?

Can you blame me
for what has come from pain?
For the things I've done in anger,
and the choices I've made in vain.

Why is it me
to whom you point the blame?
Whether right or wrong,
It hurts all the same.

The humiliation and guilt
seem to never recess.
as I forge ahead the chase,
after my lost happiness.

Empty is my heart,
broken by a pretender.
How can you blame me
for being eager to surrender?

Relentlessly reminded,
sorrowfully weeping,
I pray to soon be rid
Of this misery I'm keeping.

Can you blame me?
All I wanted was the sun.
and I did everything I could,
but I think the rainstorm won.

(depressing, yes, I wrote this in the midst of a fight a while back)

Day to Day

I'm in a venting mood, as these last few blogs prove...

No one knows me. Not even Shane, who I've admitted more to than I have to anyone else. He barely knows what thoughts burden me. The closest....living thing....who knows all there is to know about me is Nudge, my cat.

(Gross, I'm a cat lady!)

Each day is a struggle. I'm happy, I can't argue that, but certain things are triggers for depression. The horrible scenarios on TV that some freaks decided would make good television remind me of where I was, which should actually make me happy, considering I'm no longer there. But they remind me of the pain. Certain faces, even unfamiliar ones, look like those that hurt me. I shutter just at hearing particular names. It's so hard. I don't know when it will get better, or if it ever will. At this point, I've just accepted that this will happen at least a dozen times each day, and that my dreams will still be haunted by her...by them. I don't know what I need to move on. Hypnotized, maybe. But then I wouldn't remember what struggles it took to get where I am, and I wouldn't learn from the mistakes we made.

It's a heavy load I carry.

Oh What'll I Do??

Job interview complete....let's recap
Pros:
1. Seth Harry seems like an awesome dude
2. International projects
3. Well known among well known urban designers
4. Possibly the only firm hiring
5. No shoes in the office

Cons:
1. 40+ min commute (yuck) (9 hrs a week; 1/4 gallon of gas a day= refueling every 4 days= around $200 a month on gas)
2. Office in the basement of Seth's home, not a pleasant space either
3. Ruth might hate me, and certainly makes me nervous
4. Small firm, 3 employees
5. Hinted at the fact that I would be cheap labor (aka wouldn't get paid well)

Their level of work is tremendously higher than my own, which is expected and certainly a good thing, but I'm worried I wont be able to do as well as they would like. From talking with them, though, I get the feeling that they don't have such high expectations of me, or much hope for me anyway. I do have great aspirations, I don't want to be doing sketch up for the rest of my life. Would I be an idiot to turn down the only job offer I've gotten!?

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UPDATE (9/1/09):
They offered me the job. $25,000 a year, no real benefits. They'll contribute to a 401k (or similar), though, and I'd get an end of the year bonus as well. If I start doing more work, or better work, I'll get paid more. 4 days a week (3 day weekends). If they were closer, it'd be a no brainer. My only complaints then would be pay/benefits and working in a basement....(I want an office!!!)
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UPDATE (9/4/09):
I accepted the offer. I promised to call by Friday evening, and so when I called Seth said jokingly, "You still have 2 hours left!" (I didn't want to take that long except to see if the County would offer be a job. I decided, while at my internship with the County today, that if they didn't approach me, I would take the other offer. I've asked too many times, and I've been there for 8 months with no offer!)

So, as I said, I called Seth. And it so happens that one of their major projects have been postponed, and so my work there might be postponed, or reduced. Am I full time? Am I part time? Would I still get paid as much? Ugh, all these questions I wanted to ask but didn't. As if the initial decision weren't hard enough, add all that to the mix.

HOLY CRAPOLY!!!!

I've just arranged my very first job interview!!!!!! And with my 3rd choice firm (1st considering choices 1 & 2 aren't hiring)!

http://www.sethharry.com/

And I spoke with Seth himself on the phone! Not as if I know him, or that he's even well known, he may be but golly if I know. I SHOULD know...man, I've got to do my research! Ok.....it's 42 minutes away, a rough commute in traffic. But GOD am I happy that at least ONE firm has responded, and it hasn't even been a week! I didn't need to call them back, they called me!!!

What do I wear!? Is it possible to be over dressed? What do I bring? How do I show my work? ANSWER ME, BLOG!

Oh who am I kidding, I shouldn't be wasting my time talking to a blog! There's so much I need to do!

Work in Progress (My Progress in Finding Work)

Firms (in order of interest) and there initial responses prior to sending out resumes, as well as their status after sending resumes:

Duany Plater-Zyberk: not hiring; sent email and resume anyway
EDSA: not hiring
Seth Harry & Associates: send your resume; sent, waiting to review, interviewed, but it's 42 minutes away!!!
Torti Gallas: positions very doubtful, send resume anyway; sent online, not mail
Design Collective: sounds hopeful; wrong! sent, denied w/o even giving my resume a chance
Mahan Rykiel: not hiring, send resume anyway; sent, denied
Brown | Craig | Turner:
TPUDC: hopeful, but not too hopeful; sent
Hord|Coplan|Macht:
Ayers/Saint/Gross: not hiring, send anyway; sent
Muse Architects: not hiring, send anyway; sent, they'll keep it on file
Lucas & Associates: forget it (basically their words)
Development Design Group: no openings, mail in resume anyway; sent
Beck Powell Parsons: not hiring, send resume for filing; sent
Gensler:
Ziger/Snead: if Christian wasn't hired, why bother?
JP2:
Rubeling: no openings, send anyway
Sanders:
CSD: no openings, can check online, send resume anyway
RTKL: no openings, apply anyway; applied online
RBA: the office is closing!
Marks, Thomas Architects: hopeful, send resume; sent
Laurel: hopeful, send resume
ADW: iffy, fax resume

As you can see, most of them were a big negatory, but sending the resume anyway is hopeful, right?

Work is for Losers

Does it count if I don't get paid?

For money, I pet sit and I do graphic design jobs. This recent pet sitting job was a mess, literally. The house was filthy and messy and there were so many bugs. 4 cats and 1 dog: all very sweet. I get $150 for the weekend. Though you should see the novel of instructions she left me (pictures to be added to this post later).

And the graphic design job is for the Mount Clare Museum House. It's a simple task that's turned into one impossible project...exaggerating... it's just time consuming and should have only taken a couple weeks at the most.

But, as far as sending out resumes is going, I realized the first 2 had typos. Great. Now I look retarded. Who sends out a resume that isn't perfect!? So I've already had to issue a formal apology. I've sent them via email and online applications. Today, however, I'm going to get resume paper (and ink$$$) to mail them out. I'm mailing 26 resumes AND emailing them, too. Maybe I'm the neurotic one?

P.S. I really need to work on an "unformatted" resume, one that's legible and clear.
^my resume, formatted (obviously)

and have I posted a link to my flickr? probably, but here's a link to my work samples: http://www.flickr.com/photos/megschwartz/sets/72157621995974097/detail/

Today Would Be a Great Day to Die!

Sketches of Corpus Christi on Mount Royal Ave.

For much of my spiritual growth, I owe thanks to Lori Bard Rubenstein (I believe that's how you spell her name) and her Family Matters course. She taught me about familial relationships and how primitive cultures have such great respect for nature and for one another. She told the class that each day, she would wake up, walk outside and declare out loud and with sincerity:

"Today would be a great day to die!"

She said to live each day to it's fullest and to never fear death. She admitted it was a tough thing for her to say, but still did it anyway. I, however, have found it incredibly more difficult than expected, and have only a few times in the past two years brought up the courage to say it. I am still learning and growing and there is still so much I want to do. And now that all the turmoil from a rocky few years with Shane has past, I don't want to lose him; I'm not ready to end it. I want even more to see the next day, when often times before I wanted each day to be my last. I'm happy now, so happy.

Growing Up Sucks

I hate the real world. I want to go back to school indefinitely! I've been so organized about finding a new job (just haven't had the time to devote to resumes and cover letters). I made a list, an excel spreadsheet, and a map of 26 Baltimore planning and architecture firms to apply to. I called them all, and about 20 of them responded "sorry, we're just not hiring right now." Great. Couldn't this recession have happened a few years earlier, or at least waited until I had a job!?

Anyway, I've been working on an online portfolio, which is harder than I thought. Assuming uploading files to the internet would be a cinch, I never took into account the amount of discipline I would need to filter out what pieces are unnecessary to include.

My Mimi

Pop, my grandfather, is still very active and does so much to take care of the house and my grandmother, Mimi. But it's too much and it's taking it's toll on him.
They're moving to a condo, so yesterday, my aunts and uncles went to their house to claim furniture they wont be able to keep. It seems so viscous and heartless. I went along but spent most of my time next to Mimi, where she wanted me to look through some books.

While sitting there, she said to me, "I think it's time for this old girl to go." I hadn't a clue what to say. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want her to be unhappy. She's admitted before that she wished one of those trips to the ER would be her last, that she might die on the operating table.

I didn't know what to say. I love her so much, and I don't want her to be miserable like that, but she has so much to live for!

Music is Played for Love

I wish there were an actual video for this song, it makes me so happy :)

Happy Hobbies

I miss New York. Not living there, necessarily, just being there. I miss spending Fridays at the Met or in St. Patrick's Cathedral. I was raised Roman Catholic, but I wouldn't call myself one. Yet, being in such a sacred place like St. Patrick's, in the middle of this huge city, where you can't hear the cars honking or the people yelling is still a magnificent sensation. I wish I could spend my days like that again, going all over and just drawing whatever I was... drawn to.

Hopefully, once I get a real job, and things start falling into place, I'll be able to pick back up my old hobbies...art, music, dance...to spend more time doing the things that make me happy, and being with the people who make me happy. <3

Nothing can hold you back when you're not holding back a thing.

Less Than Three

Love is a friendship set to music.

~E. Joseph Cossman

Woah, real world....ease up a bit!

So I need a job.

Luckily, for one of my internships, I've been compiling a list of local firms. Basically, I've made a list of who to send my resumes to. It's great! Now if only one of them will hire me....

I have a shorter list, about 20 of those firms, of the ones I want to apply to, and I've noted which ones I have connections with. I've toured a few through IIDA Student Mentor days, know some more from school and a few more through friends, family, and internships.

Family Vaca

Well I've just spent a fabulous week down in Ocean City with Shane and the rest of the Griffiths (including Pepe), and I had a blast. Let's review a play by play of all the fun!


Sunday: After waking up to 2 fun weimaraners, and walking them in the rain, I rushed over to the Griffith house to load the cars and head off. Took close to 4 hours with traffic, but we made it in time to sit out at the beach. That night we went for Mexican at La Hacienda, not the greatest but good fun. Back at the condo, we were settled for bed when in comes Shane's mom from a walk with Pepe with two of Shane's old playmates, Shamus and Richie. At least I wasn't completely disheveled :)


Monday: Dana arrived early in the morning, too tired to do anything, he stayed in while Shane's dad took him and me to Jolly Roger's for go-karts. We had a blast, I came in 3rd both races. The afternoon we spent on the beach and dinner was delightful at the Grove Market. It was a pleasent surprise, and reaffirmed the "don't judge a book by it's cover" saying. A shack from the outside, and a quirky ma and pa restaurant indoors, the food was spectacular. It was a great atmosphere and the people were as wonderful as could be. Just be sure to get your reservation in exactly 2 weeks in advance!


Tuesday: just a day at the beach, and a tour of The Gateway....new, and gorgeous, condos just a few streets south of the condo they stay in. Shane and I then had Indian food for the first time (a so-so meal) and a yummy dinner at Ruth's Chris in the stable where Man of War was kept, Mrs. Pattie wasn't too pleased but I might say it was the most fulfilling dinner I had while there.

Wednesday: We spent the afternoon at the boardwalk, we rode their only roller coaster twice, and took a walk through the Pirate fun house. At night we had dinner at Captain's Galley. That night, while Shane and I relaxed in front of the boob tube, we heard fireworks. Every night we'd seen people letting off their own whimpy fireworks, so we thought nothing of it. But they kept getting louder and more frequent. I peered between the blinds and saw that across the street, Secrets was putting on a fireworks show. I ran outside and upstairs to the 3rd floor balcony. Shane was lame and didn't even get out of bed.


Thursday: The only rainy day, we went to visit the Pirate's Plunder, the Pirate museum, but decided to just browse the gift shop. Played a round of laser tag then went shopping with his brother and Mom.


Friday: Shane and I spend the day at the Water park and discovered that the best way to recover from an argument is to ride the Stealth Half Pipe water ride. We had dinner at the Sunset Grille, where I discovered I had left my ID at home in Baldwin....nevermind our plan to go to secrets that night...and forget driving my own jet ski the next day.

Saturday: Our first attempt at renting jet skis failed when Shane's dad got pissed they wouldn't rent me a ski doo without a license. After he cooled down, we went to a place right across the street and so it came that I would spend the next hour holding on to Shane for dear life as he tried to throw me off. I will proudfully say, I was successful in NOT falling in the water. Shane, Dana and myself had dinner at Sakura's across the bridge, then stayed in and enjoyed a few sips (or more) of mango vodka and a walk on the beach as we wrapped up a week long adventure at the beach.