AHHHHHHHH!

I'm so angry right now. I'm insulted and hurt and annoyed and, well, the list goes on.

...and I miss Ketchup. lolz

Love is Our Resistance

Love is our resistance
They keep us apart and they won't stop breaking us down
And hold me, our lips must always be sealed

Wishlist

Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back. -Tuesdays With Morrie

Mitch Albom is coming out with a new book, Have a Little Faith, on or around my birthday, I can't wait to read it.


The Koi Necklace is by Heatherly Designs on Etsy....I want it and this friggin awesome pocket watch, also from Etsy.....but a different seller {tempusfugit}.

Key to Life

Life is so frustrating. I look back and realize all the friends I've grown apart from and the people I've lost touch with...facebook makes it worse, as it rubs in your face how much fun your old friends are having without you. There's so much I would have done differently. And looking to the future, I see a fulltime job without the time or money to do what I want. My birthday is coming up, the only reason I want the things I do is because it will make the things I have to do less painful....a better vacuum, work clothes, a car organizer [since I'll be spending 2 hours everyday in it], glasses.....I mean, whatever happened to wanting things that will make life more interesting or exciting? All of a sudden we're thrown into the real world and there's no time for fun. You work 8+ hours a day just to put food on the table at night, and then go to sleep. For what!? Just so you can repeat it the next day?

"The secret of life is gettin up early
The secret of life is stayin up late
The secret of life is try not to hurry
But dont wait
Dont wait

The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is to find the right woman
The secret of life is nothin at all
Oh, its nothin at all"

~Faith Hill

...That is the Definition of Urbanity and Urban Civilization

Tintern Abbey...where I'm going to get married <3

"Urbanism is essentially a matter of public spaces, plot sizes, plot ratios, and numbers of floors. There are specific types, dimensions, ratios, and numbers which allow us to build harmonious cities and others that inevitably lead to suburban sprawl, commercial strips and/or metropolitan congestion. There are forms of high risk mega-developments which produce mega-profits and mega-failures. There are others based on individual talent and enterprise which stimulate civilized competition, and lead to humane and agreeable towns. The traditional city performs the miracle of allowing contrasting and competing ambitions, the most modest and greatest of talents to strive and thrive as neighbours; to build in harmony..."

~Leon Krier

Let's Play Make Believe

Little girls grow up playing house, pretending to have a family and someone to love. When you're a kid, all you want is to be older....old enough to go out without your parents, old enough to drive, old enough to go to college...to drink...to rent a car-what? I mean....)

....you want to be an adult, and to have that family you dreamed of as a little girl. No matter how much of a tomboy I may have been, all the scars on my knees wont hide my need to fulfill that childhood dream.

I've got my license, I'm old enough to see R rated movies, I've graduated, and I've got a job. I've even got someone to love...but it's not enough. I will still need more, and will constantly struggle to get it until one day I look back and realize I've missed it all. Why is it that I want more when I have all that I need right in front of me? Why isn't it enough? Then again......maybe I should be asking a different question....

Why am I not enough?


[don't make fun of the colors....I was having a hell of a time mixing the flesh tones....so I settled on American Indian....which Shane is....so it counts]

Composed and Performed by Shane Griffith

This is a song Shane wrote, it's my favorite of all his music. He's written me a song for valentine's day, too, but I love this one so f*ckin much! Don't steal it! So help me god, I swear, I will hunt you down like Peggy Hill hunted Randy Travis.

(He'll kill me when he finds out this is up here.)

Please comment!

Becoming an Urban Designer: Day One

I survived....and I survived the commute...which, despite it taking 30 minutes alone just to get to 70 (which isn't even the halfway mark of the ride) I still made it there within 45 minutes....I don't think I was speeding.
While they wait for the Sarasota project to resume, I'll be doing minor tasks. Today I made this diagram. It shows traditional development (good) as opposed to conventional suburban development (bad). I chose to model the bad (top) after my Hunt Valley Station, where I spent my teen years. Their thoughts? it was horrible enough to be perfect. There are a handful of these diagrams out there already, but rather than crediting someone else, why not have your own?

I Start My New Job Tomorrow

http://www.urbanforestproject.org/

Oh, Btw I'm a Vegetarian

Sweets only on a weekly basis!? I don't think so! I've only been awake for 2 hours and I've already had 3 hershey kisses and a cookie!

I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm your average snack and go eater...I eat packaged goods that can be thrown into a lunch bag in under .6 seconds. It's convenient and delicious....but not healthy, especially for a vegetarian. I used to go to Whole Foods every week, back when it was Fresh Fields...but since college I haven't done that. I hope when I get money I can start going regularly and eat a little better. Ms. Danielle Scruggs, a friend of mine, is vegan and she's a beast (in complimentary terms, of course.) She's a college track allstar, and limits herself to eating the healthy stuff. If only I didn't love ice cream so damn much! That pyramid is crap.

Farewells

I've never been sad to leave a job. Usually it's with great relief. But working with the County has been so awesome, I only left because I needed one of those paying jobs. They had a breakfast for me, where they gave me a framed copy of the rendering I did for the Turner Station Charrette with all their signatures on it. It was so sweet! Amy, who's been the mama bird and took me under her wing, gave me two gifts from her little business, Sadie Priss. I also got a $40 gift card to Barnes and Noble...so working there wasn't really for free. No, the experience I gained and the time there was invaluable. It was well worth it!

Who Knew Yellow Nail Polish Was So Much Fun!?

Well I was cornered into attending a charrette in Lampeter, PA, just south of Lancaster, today. Drive an hour and a half to stay for 6 hours, drive home another hour and a half. On top of that, Mount Clare FINALLY got on the ball, though it seems a bit too late as they're now pressured to finish on time. My last week before I start a real job, and commit to working full time and I'm working for free, morning until night. And though both are supposed to compensate me, I've yet to see a penny from either (well, from Mount Clare since I last saw them, this project should be over by now!!!).

Anywho....this real world thing is crap.....at least I have cool "Lellow" nail polish!

Count My Blessings

I should really work on that.

I am a very lucky person, no matter how often I blame things on my bad luck. Those little things are really nothing. In Gauntlet, a card game where you always have a 50-50 chance of guessing right, either red or black or higher or lower, I seem to always guess wrong. To the point where I run out of cards. When 7 red cards have been played in a row, the smart thing would be to guess black. But I'd be wrong. If that same scenario happens so often, I'd guess red, and I would still be wrong. It's my luck. I never win at those sorts of things.

But when it comes to my life...I'm pretty fortunate. I had a rough relationship for a while, one that caused me a lot of pain, but at least I have him now, and we're happy. I may not have been offered a job at any place close, or offered as much money as I would have hoped for, but at least I have a job.

I may not be able to afford new clothes, but at least I'm not naked.

O Hai, Welcome Back Familiar Feeling of Emptiness

Shane went off to hang out with his friends this evening. The only problem was that he had asked me to spend the night with him, and I had planned on doing so, except he never called back. I accepted that he had ditched me, but it brought back memories of nights when I would stay up, knowing where he was, letting it bother me all night long. Regardless of how upset his whereabouts made me, I would wait up for the call to let me know that he was on his way home, and just to hear him say he loved me.

I shouldn't have been so mad about it, but I haven't felt that same loneliness in forever. I think it scared me. It just doesn't seem fair to me, or to him, that for her, it was just some young relationship fling. But for me, this is my life, it's the person I've chosen to marry, and I have to accept that he has done all those things that hurt me....and try not to get mad at him for stupid things like spending time with friends, when he's not doing anything wrong now, just because I can't get the times he had done me wrong.

I love him dearly, I've been upset lately because we've had a few disagreements. When I try to apologize, though, he wont let me. He says that I should never have to apologize to him after what he had done to me. Saying that was the first time I've truly felt his sincerity in remorse for his past actions. It's not as though I want him to grovel...but I never really see him feel bad about it, which is really all I need to know that he isn't some heartless automaton.

Can You Blame Me?

Can you blame me
for what I have become
from always standing in the rain,
searching for the sun?

Can you blame me
for what has come from pain?
For the things I've done in anger,
and the choices I've made in vain.

Why is it me
to whom you point the blame?
Whether right or wrong,
It hurts all the same.

The humiliation and guilt
seem to never recess.
as I forge ahead the chase,
after my lost happiness.

Empty is my heart,
broken by a pretender.
How can you blame me
for being eager to surrender?

Relentlessly reminded,
sorrowfully weeping,
I pray to soon be rid
Of this misery I'm keeping.

Can you blame me?
All I wanted was the sun.
and I did everything I could,
but I think the rainstorm won.

(depressing, yes, I wrote this in the midst of a fight a while back)

Day to Day

I'm in a venting mood, as these last few blogs prove...

No one knows me. Not even Shane, who I've admitted more to than I have to anyone else. He barely knows what thoughts burden me. The closest....living thing....who knows all there is to know about me is Nudge, my cat.

(Gross, I'm a cat lady!)

Each day is a struggle. I'm happy, I can't argue that, but certain things are triggers for depression. The horrible scenarios on TV that some freaks decided would make good television remind me of where I was, which should actually make me happy, considering I'm no longer there. But they remind me of the pain. Certain faces, even unfamiliar ones, look like those that hurt me. I shutter just at hearing particular names. It's so hard. I don't know when it will get better, or if it ever will. At this point, I've just accepted that this will happen at least a dozen times each day, and that my dreams will still be haunted by her...by them. I don't know what I need to move on. Hypnotized, maybe. But then I wouldn't remember what struggles it took to get where I am, and I wouldn't learn from the mistakes we made.

It's a heavy load I carry.

Oh What'll I Do??

Job interview complete....let's recap
Pros:
1. Seth Harry seems like an awesome dude
2. International projects
3. Well known among well known urban designers
4. Possibly the only firm hiring
5. No shoes in the office

Cons:
1. 40+ min commute (yuck) (9 hrs a week; 1/4 gallon of gas a day= refueling every 4 days= around $200 a month on gas)
2. Office in the basement of Seth's home, not a pleasant space either
3. Ruth might hate me, and certainly makes me nervous
4. Small firm, 3 employees
5. Hinted at the fact that I would be cheap labor (aka wouldn't get paid well)

Their level of work is tremendously higher than my own, which is expected and certainly a good thing, but I'm worried I wont be able to do as well as they would like. From talking with them, though, I get the feeling that they don't have such high expectations of me, or much hope for me anyway. I do have great aspirations, I don't want to be doing sketch up for the rest of my life. Would I be an idiot to turn down the only job offer I've gotten!?

---------------------------------------------------
UPDATE (9/1/09):
They offered me the job. $25,000 a year, no real benefits. They'll contribute to a 401k (or similar), though, and I'd get an end of the year bonus as well. If I start doing more work, or better work, I'll get paid more. 4 days a week (3 day weekends). If they were closer, it'd be a no brainer. My only complaints then would be pay/benefits and working in a basement....(I want an office!!!)
--------------------------------------------------
UPDATE (9/4/09):
I accepted the offer. I promised to call by Friday evening, and so when I called Seth said jokingly, "You still have 2 hours left!" (I didn't want to take that long except to see if the County would offer be a job. I decided, while at my internship with the County today, that if they didn't approach me, I would take the other offer. I've asked too many times, and I've been there for 8 months with no offer!)

So, as I said, I called Seth. And it so happens that one of their major projects have been postponed, and so my work there might be postponed, or reduced. Am I full time? Am I part time? Would I still get paid as much? Ugh, all these questions I wanted to ask but didn't. As if the initial decision weren't hard enough, add all that to the mix.

HOLY CRAPOLY!!!!

I've just arranged my very first job interview!!!!!! And with my 3rd choice firm (1st considering choices 1 & 2 aren't hiring)!

http://www.sethharry.com/

And I spoke with Seth himself on the phone! Not as if I know him, or that he's even well known, he may be but golly if I know. I SHOULD know...man, I've got to do my research! Ok.....it's 42 minutes away, a rough commute in traffic. But GOD am I happy that at least ONE firm has responded, and it hasn't even been a week! I didn't need to call them back, they called me!!!

What do I wear!? Is it possible to be over dressed? What do I bring? How do I show my work? ANSWER ME, BLOG!

Oh who am I kidding, I shouldn't be wasting my time talking to a blog! There's so much I need to do!

Work in Progress (My Progress in Finding Work)

Firms (in order of interest) and there initial responses prior to sending out resumes, as well as their status after sending resumes:

Duany Plater-Zyberk: not hiring; sent email and resume anyway
EDSA: not hiring
Seth Harry & Associates: send your resume; sent, waiting to review, interviewed, but it's 42 minutes away!!!
Torti Gallas: positions very doubtful, send resume anyway; sent online, not mail
Design Collective: sounds hopeful; wrong! sent, denied w/o even giving my resume a chance
Mahan Rykiel: not hiring, send resume anyway; sent, denied
Brown | Craig | Turner:
TPUDC: hopeful, but not too hopeful; sent
Hord|Coplan|Macht:
Ayers/Saint/Gross: not hiring, send anyway; sent
Muse Architects: not hiring, send anyway; sent, they'll keep it on file
Lucas & Associates: forget it (basically their words)
Development Design Group: no openings, mail in resume anyway; sent
Beck Powell Parsons: not hiring, send resume for filing; sent
Gensler:
Ziger/Snead: if Christian wasn't hired, why bother?
JP2:
Rubeling: no openings, send anyway
Sanders:
CSD: no openings, can check online, send resume anyway
RTKL: no openings, apply anyway; applied online
RBA: the office is closing!
Marks, Thomas Architects: hopeful, send resume; sent
Laurel: hopeful, send resume
ADW: iffy, fax resume

As you can see, most of them were a big negatory, but sending the resume anyway is hopeful, right?

Work is for Losers

Does it count if I don't get paid?

For money, I pet sit and I do graphic design jobs. This recent pet sitting job was a mess, literally. The house was filthy and messy and there were so many bugs. 4 cats and 1 dog: all very sweet. I get $150 for the weekend. Though you should see the novel of instructions she left me (pictures to be added to this post later).

And the graphic design job is for the Mount Clare Museum House. It's a simple task that's turned into one impossible project...exaggerating... it's just time consuming and should have only taken a couple weeks at the most.

But, as far as sending out resumes is going, I realized the first 2 had typos. Great. Now I look retarded. Who sends out a resume that isn't perfect!? So I've already had to issue a formal apology. I've sent them via email and online applications. Today, however, I'm going to get resume paper (and ink$$$) to mail them out. I'm mailing 26 resumes AND emailing them, too. Maybe I'm the neurotic one?

P.S. I really need to work on an "unformatted" resume, one that's legible and clear.
^my resume, formatted (obviously)

and have I posted a link to my flickr? probably, but here's a link to my work samples: http://www.flickr.com/photos/megschwartz/sets/72157621995974097/detail/